I wanted to write, maybe because in writing you can be something new because out there there is so much. This is what happens with every type of art, it will always be a waste of time, because something new only grows on empty fields and before it happens, it is a waste.
To create is a human power that we don’t really care about, but at the same time it can be the only real thing that you are. There is so much in the world, different types of food, clothes, brands, experiences, but art allows us to be something new so we can really become ourselves and understand ourselves not as a product of what is already in there, but as our own painting.
The process is absurd, somehow we are capable of beginning this new something out of the void, and that is art, art is even the toilet, it came from our human heads and capability to create. It can be that there was no beginning, but there was a nothing. I like to place words one by one, they call it writing. That way there are so many things to happen. I don’t know where my sorrow is placed but I’m certainly more than her by the moment there is something to be written and told to the reader.
So a wasted time will never be a wasted time, it will be fully and completely you being whatever you are. Meditation is all about that, for example, only it seeks to provide you guidance, observe what you’re thinking, let it go. So make it every waste of time a meditation, let your thoughts go and flow.
That was what I heard from a friend of mine last week and for some reason it keeps coming back at me. Yesterday I dreamed that was taking MDMA, the one that goes on ecstasy but purer, it had something to do with getting that good feeling once again. In psychology, mostly psychoanalysis, it is accepted that we humans will forever crave for happiness or whatever you may call the comfort feeling you had when younger, and that this feeling will never be obtained, the circle of perpetual desire. But one thing I am sure: I got this feeling from MDMA once, it wasn’t a crazy extreme feeling of excitement, I just felt really at peace for more than one minute, actually it lasted several hours, I even said to my friend “I’m feeling good the way I haven’t been for too long”. So taking this drug made me remember how I used to feel and how I should feel, but that was no excuse for taking it all the time, not even close, I was determined to pursuit that as a normal state, I thought it was only fair to live at peace. As you can see, I refuse to accept the current belief that happiness would be forever outside reach, it was like that before I first tried MDMA and it just got stronger after. I have only used that drug 3 times and don’t have any cravings for more, so I’m not creating excuses to use it more times since what I aim for is to feel the way the drug reminded me I can feel but without it. Maybe this is what people mean by all the different worlds drugs make it possible for us to see, it takes us away from the automatic states and routines we don’t even realize to put ourselves into, makes us see different.
Now I don’t really know where to find it, deep inside there is this belief, this core certainty that I will be happy one day. Maybe this assurance comes from me knowing I don’t really ask for much, I don’t want a constant feeling of joy and pleasure, that vicious excitement of drugs, I just want peace. We may be broken by our youths, traumatic frustrations gave way to our restless souls but we still exist, and forever in this existence, we hold a self that is capable of anything that sees as an impossibility, because it is there somewhere to be seen, we just have to find the place.