“When I was a child it was like I was in drugs all the time”

That was what I heard from a friend of mine last week and for some reason it keeps coming back at me. Yesterday I dreamed that was taking MDMA, the one that goes on ecstasy but purer, it had something to do with getting that good feeling once again. In psychology, mostly psychoanalysis, it is accepted that we humans will forever crave for happiness or whatever you may call the comfort feeling you had when younger, and that this feeling will never be obtained, the circle of perpetual desire. But one thing I am sure: I got this feeling from MDMA once, it wasn’t a crazy extreme feeling of excitement, I just felt really at peace for more than one minute, actually it lasted several hours, I even said to my friend “I’m feeling good the way I haven’t been for too long”. So taking this drug made me remember how I used to feel and how I should feel, but that was no excuse for taking it all the time, not even close, I was determined to pursuit that as a normal state, I thought it was only fair to live at peace. As you can see, I refuse to accept the current belief that happiness would be forever outside reach, it was like that before I first tried MDMA and it just got stronger after. I have only used that drug 3 times and don’t have any cravings for more, so I’m not creating excuses to use it more times since what I aim for is to feel the way the drug reminded me I can feel but without it.  Maybe this is what people mean by all the different worlds drugs make it possible for us to see, it takes us away from the automatic states and routines we don’t even realize to put ourselves into, makes us see different.  

Now I don’t really know where to find it, deep inside there is this belief, this core certainty that I will be happy one day. Maybe this assurance comes from me knowing I don’t really ask for much, I don’t want a constant feeling of joy and pleasure, that vicious excitement of drugs, I just want peace. We may be broken by our youths, traumatic frustrations gave way to our restless souls but we still exist, and forever in this existence, we hold a self that is capable of anything that sees as an impossibility, because it is there somewhere to be seen, we just have to find the place. 

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